The Bible of Unspeakable Truths by Greg Gutfeld

Author:Greg Gutfeld [Gutfeld, Greg]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Topical, Political, Philosophy, Humor
ISBN: 9780446572019
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2010-05-25T05:00:00+00:00

Terror and Other Unimportant Stuff

Secret Prisons Work

I hope you remember this (because I sure don’t): When George W. Bush admitted for the first time that the CIA had been operating a clandestine prison that held the alleged mastermind of the September 11 attacks, there was predictable outrage—none of it, however, worth a damn.

First of all, I don’t understand why having a secret prison is a big deal. I’ve had a secret prison for years. I installed it in my backyard. It’s a stone playroom, where inside I dug out the ground, and within it, dropped a Groundsman Apex Double Door Shed, with sturdy tongue-and-groove cladding and double doors on top for easier access. It’s completely soundproof—so the neighbors rarely complain about noise. The smell, however, is another story.

I wish the media would understand that this is how you fight a war. Secret prisons may sound scary, dark, and damp, but I imagine they are supposed to be. And remember—many of these prisons, situated in delightfully serene settings, are of a far better quality than the hovels found in the homeland of most terror suspects. And the fact is, many of the suspects wish to live in squalor—they despise modern conveniences and wish for a time when we can all return (by force) to the Flintstonelike era once enjoyed by the prophet Mohammed.

Or is it Mohammad? I can never remember.

Anyway, I bet the prisons aren’t so bad, if you already embrace a life that’s long on suffering and short on amenities. And just think about all the attention you’ll get from chicks when you get out. I can’t think of a better line to use at a bar, when a girl asks you where you’re from. “I spent the last three years in a secret prison.” If that doesn’t get you laid, then you’re probably dead.

I’m willing to bet, for example, that the Uyghurs are dining out like crazy on their stay in Gitmo. And really, where would you rather be—a Caribbean hideaway where all your needs are cared for, where you’re a hero to every journalist and grad student alive, and where everyone around you agrees with your every thought—or Yemen?

And by the way, did you see the pictures of the Uyghurs once they were released and sent to Bermuda, after their stint in Gitmo? I’ve never looked so damn healthy! You know, America really is the world’s worst human rights offender. Those guys are at least ten pounds over their ideal weight. I cannot begin to imagine the unspeakable crimes we committed against their cholesterol.

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